An Intergalactic 9-1-1 Call for Earth

This is a phone call transcript to Intergalactic 9-1-1.

*RING RING*

IG911: Hello. Thanks for calling Intergalactic 9-1-1. What is the nature of your emergency?

ME: Hi. My planet is on fire.

IG911: Okay. We’re understanding that your planet is on fire. Is everyone safe?

ME: I’m not sure. We’re burning through our resources at an unsustainable rate. There’s widespread disease, climate change that threatens millions of inhabitants, demagogues run the planet, and we can’t seem to find purpose in our lives.

IG911: Thank you for that. Where are you located?

ME: Uh…hold on. Do you have Google Intergalactic Maps? I think we’re in the Milky Way system. We’re a small class M planet called Earth. If you’re looking at a map of the Milky Way galaxy, we’re located at the 4 o’clock position.
Let me send you a picture….(see attached)

IG911: Okay. I see your position now. Checking our records now…can you hold, please?

ME: No problem. I appreciate it.

(Hold music – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrojrDCI02k )

IG911: Hello?

ME: Hi. I’m here.

IG911: Great. I’m showing that Earth is overdue for a checkup and has contracted some viruses typical of early civilization class M planets. Your primary care provider has not been able to reach anyone on Earth. Is there someone who represents Earth who we can connect with and schedule an overhaul?

ME: Uhhh…I don’t think so. I’m calling from one of 193 separate voices that we call “nations” here on Earth. I suppose I could put you in touch with our United Nations but that’s also run by demagogues so I’m not sure that I can get someone on the line who isn’t otherwise jaded by personal interests.
Is there a fast-track process I can get into? Seriously. If we don’t make some changes TOMORROW, I don’t think Earth is going to last more than a few decades.

IG911: I understand your concern and appreciate the information. I will log this.
Incidentally, have you embraced a life cycle mentality?

ME: What is that?

IG911: Uh…most civilizations are able to consume equal to or less than what they’re natural and renewable sources can provide. Their waste is entirely recyclable and actually feeds the cycle, in turn providing energy and food for the next generation of resources. Do you have that going on?

ME: No. We have some of that but we’re largely throwing our consumables away and our recycling program is pretty inadequate. Maybe you have an intergalactic dump available?

IG919: Not so much so. We’ll send a team but expect some hard moves. We’ll have to stop climate change first of all. Second, we need to pull your population away from the materialism they seem to embrace. Will this be a problem?

ME: Ok. No, I think it won’t be a problem. Do you have a zapper of sorts that completely changes peoples’ reliance on having “things” and maybe stop thinking about themselves? We’ve got this “religion” thing going on where Earthling 1 seems to think that they’re better than Earthling 2.

IG919: No zapper, but I do have a pandemic or global catastrophe I can send you if that helps…

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